In Four

A couple weekends ago we actually had a clear calendar and took full advantage of it. After finishing some chores at home we went to the park. It was such a beautiful day.

Best of all...I grabbed my camera and left my phone in the car! We spent over 4 hours at the park exploring, finding a baby bird nest (more on that later), swinging, playing catch and just hanging out.

When I downloaded the pictures later I was cracking up.

Here are four photos that pretty much sum up my kids' relationship. For the most part they get along fantastically but at times I just want to strangle them!

Here's Kaleb at the top seeing Bella struggling a bit and offering to help her up. But wait...

It's only so he can torture her!! Check out his face...so funny! I can't tell you how many times I've had to say "that's just what big brothers do" or "it's in the little sister hand book".

But here he is once again helping her out. They're a great team. When they put their mind to something they work great together getting it done.
And at the end of the day they're best buds and share a ton of laughs...shhhh don't tell them I told you!

You Know How That Happens, Right?

My second best surprise was my baby girl Bella.

Once again I was surprised to learn that I was pregnant. I tell ya-God certainly knows what He wants!

The fact that I was pregnant wasn't so much the biggest or best part of it. Although that time around I was in a lot better place.

The best part came when I found out she was a girl.

You see, I didn't think I wanted a daughter for various reasons. But now I see that the biggest reasons for not wanting one are the best reasons to have one.

Bella is my sweet sweet girl.

She is loving and giving.

She is compassionate and has more creativity in her little pinky than I do throughout my whole body.

She is the free spirit I always wanted to be.

Her laugh is one that will make anyone smile.

Her eyes sparkle when she smiles and I swear you can see her heart spill out with every tear she sheds.

She is stubborn-but that serves its purpose when needed.

Her imagination amazes me every day.

She loves Jesus and it shines through her.

Her fingers are magic on my bare back. They make me forget all the day's troubles.

All her stuffed animals are named and have their own stories. Don't dare tell her they aren't real!

She has a personality that draws you in...it's mesmerizing.

She's the kindest soul I have ever known.

She makes me want to be a better example of what a mom should be.

One of my favorites...

Bella, Joey and Fred

This one cracks me up!She loves to read...Jared and Bella being sillyAt The Cottage
With Harry Potter in Michigan
Bella and BlakeIn Florida...another fav
Lucy and BellaMy beautiful Bella

Life...Really

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here and sometimes I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be going, what I'm supposed to be wearing and how long it's going to take to get there. Anyone else feel like that?
Most of the time, though, I'm just here for the bumpy ride.
My patience has been tried lately. My tolerance has been tried. My acceptance of grace has been tried. My heart, my soul, my body and my mind have all been tried.
Mostly I get frustrated with where I am, where I'm not and if I have the drive to get to where I need to be. Then I read something like this that my sister sent me:
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
And this:
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
All of a sudden I have the will, drive, ambition and incredible love I need to do something I never did.
I tell you what...my hands, heart and mind are wide open to receive something better.
So whenever your ready God...but can you make it soon please 'cause I haven't quite mastered the patience thing?

Surprise!!

Just about everyone who knows me knows that I love surprises. I create little ways to surprise myself each day.

I don't know when exactly I became aware of this fact.

I know that I didn't, unlike my sister, sneak into wrapped gifts. I know that when people told me they had a surprise for me I wouldn't beg to know what it was.

The best I can pinpoint it is to 1998. That's the year I got one of my best surprises~my sweet boy Kaleb. Kaleb Dylan. He is the answer to so many of my prayers.
When I found out I was pregnant I with him I was certainly not in an ideal situation.

I wasn't married. I didn't have a career. I had no goals and I certainly didn't know how to be a mom.

Over the years I have accomplished most of those things. I'm still working on what I want to be when I grow up but at least now I have a career in mind :)

Kaleb is a special boy.
He is amazingly smart-sometimes too smart for his own good!

He is becoming a master at sarcasm.

He has the sweetest heart.

He is an awesome cook.

He still holds my hand when we walk places and isn't embarrassed about it.

He adores his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

He loves animals almost as much as I do.

At ten years old he still thinks I'm pretty cool.
He has always been incredibly observant.

He is kind and courteous.

I love when he sneaks into my bed at night and searches for my hand first thing. Then he doesn't let go all night no matter how much we shift.

He has a gift on the football field.

He makes me laugh constantly-It's saved his little behind numerous times!

He is learning to be a gentleman.

He loves hanging out with his friends.

His hands are magic on my neck after a stressful day.

He's more than I would have ever dreamt I deserve.

A few of my favorite Kaleb moments over the last few years...

Kaleb and Bella at the Boise Zoo

First year of Babe Ruth baseball

First year of flag football

One of my all time favorite photos of Kaleb

Elvis Halloween 2007...

He's a huge Elvis fan!

Florida November 2007

Kaleb and Lucy

Strikin' a pose!

Oregon Coast March 2008

Kaleb and cousin Blake in Alaska July 2008

Kaleb and Christian

:)

Heroin Anyone?

WARNING:

The following post is very long. It's from the black corners of my heart. It's not pretty. It's not funny. So please...when you're done reading go do something that makes you laugh. That's what I did after I wrote it :)

I never understood addiction. I never knew why people couldn't just stop doing what they know is harmful to them. You know it's not good for you so stop, right?

Wrong.

So wrong.

I am an addict. I didn't know it until this last week but I have been for probably at least 15 years...could be more. It started out innocent, a little bit here and there. What's it gonna hurt?

Like some addicts I gave it up now and then depending on my life's current path. But one way or another it would always find it's way back in.

At one point in my life it had completely consumed me. I was at risk of losing everything.

I knew that I had to beat it for good so I did-I thought.

Have you ever read the book 'Beautiful Boy'? It's about a man's struggle with his son's meth addiction. At one point the boy is clean for 3+ years and starts using again. I was flabbergasted! How could he throw out all his hard work?! He knew it could kill him. How could he be so weak to use again?!

I've been "clean" for quite a while now. Over the years I had so many emotions about my "drug".

At first it was Denial- "It's not as bad as what other people do." Then Anger-"I hate it! Why did it have to destroy me?!" Next was Shame-"How did I let that happen to me?" Guilt-"I'll do whatever it takes to fix the messes I made." Righteousness-"I'm past that. It will never affect me again." And finally where I am now...Longing-I think about it in one way or another everyday. I have started dreaming about it. I use the memories to comfort me.

Instead of fixing the problem I fixed the symptoms. I had forced every thought, emotion, memory and feeling so far out of my consciousness that I thought I had it beat. I removed every physical thing that reminded me of it. I'm still pissed about some really good cd's I threw out! And in one day it came screaming back into my life so hard and fast that I had no idea how to handle myself. I did the only thing I could think of...

I prayed.

I am still praying.

I am trying to figure out why all my raw, ugly thoughts and emotions have been thrown back in my face.

Through prayer I think I have found part of the reason. I'm working on the rest of it but for today this is what I've got...

Understanding addiction. I have never ever had compassion for addicts. I thought they were stupid, reckless and selfish.

'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.' Yikes...I think I might be going through a lesson here.

I thank God that my addiction is not chemical or physical...so for those of you planning my intervention PUT THE PHONE DOWN!

What a massive struggle it is just to have an emotional addiction.

For those of you struggling with your own; whether it be chemical, physical, emotional or otherwise please keep fighting. It will be worth it!

And for those who have beat it Congratulations!! But remember the fight will never end. When you are the most comfortable it will rear it's ugly head-be ready.

I will be praying for all of you. Can you please do the same for me? I'm still fighting this episode and could use the help.

Thanks,

rikki

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This...

...but I think I'm homesick.

I left Pendleton almost 5 years ago and haven't looked back.

I left behind judgement, questions, familiarity, family, criticism and friends.

After a bit of settling in Idaho I found....Me.

When you grow up in a small town unintentional labels are put on you. Some deserved and fitting. Some not.

I was always the sister of so-and-so, the friend of so-and-so, the girl who did such-and-such and didn't do this-and-that. I never had a chance to show who or what I really was. This isn't so much the fault of a small town. I accept my role in the labeling. But when people make assumptions it's hard to break that barrier. Even as recently as a month ago I was spoken about as the girl I used to be. The girl I really really wanted to be forgotten.

I'm not sure why I'm home sick now. Maybe because I am finally happy with me. Maybe because my nephew and nieces are growing faster than I can keep up with. Maybe because a few special people have chosen to forget that other girl. Maybe because I think somebody there may need me for once.

Whatever the reason, it's here. I'm officially homesick and I can't wait to make a visit next month!

Here are a few possible reasons for my new illness:

Bella, Kaleb and Gaga at the Green Bridge

My nephew Blake and Kaleb

Acres and acres of hills to explore

At my brother's place with the beautiful Blue Mountains in the back

My brother Daryl and sister in law Nicole

View from Cabbage Hill

Bella and I taking a break

Bella, Kaleb and Bapa

Bella, my niece Tanna and Kaleb

The Blues

Kaleb and his Uncle Daryl having guy time

My niece Charlie Mae and sister Donna