Heroin Anyone?

WARNING:

The following post is very long. It's from the black corners of my heart. It's not pretty. It's not funny. So please...when you're done reading go do something that makes you laugh. That's what I did after I wrote it :)

I never understood addiction. I never knew why people couldn't just stop doing what they know is harmful to them. You know it's not good for you so stop, right?

Wrong.

So wrong.

I am an addict. I didn't know it until this last week but I have been for probably at least 15 years...could be more. It started out innocent, a little bit here and there. What's it gonna hurt?

Like some addicts I gave it up now and then depending on my life's current path. But one way or another it would always find it's way back in.

At one point in my life it had completely consumed me. I was at risk of losing everything.

I knew that I had to beat it for good so I did-I thought.

Have you ever read the book 'Beautiful Boy'? It's about a man's struggle with his son's meth addiction. At one point the boy is clean for 3+ years and starts using again. I was flabbergasted! How could he throw out all his hard work?! He knew it could kill him. How could he be so weak to use again?!

I've been "clean" for quite a while now. Over the years I had so many emotions about my "drug".

At first it was Denial- "It's not as bad as what other people do." Then Anger-"I hate it! Why did it have to destroy me?!" Next was Shame-"How did I let that happen to me?" Guilt-"I'll do whatever it takes to fix the messes I made." Righteousness-"I'm past that. It will never affect me again." And finally where I am now...Longing-I think about it in one way or another everyday. I have started dreaming about it. I use the memories to comfort me.

Instead of fixing the problem I fixed the symptoms. I had forced every thought, emotion, memory and feeling so far out of my consciousness that I thought I had it beat. I removed every physical thing that reminded me of it. I'm still pissed about some really good cd's I threw out! And in one day it came screaming back into my life so hard and fast that I had no idea how to handle myself. I did the only thing I could think of...

I prayed.

I am still praying.

I am trying to figure out why all my raw, ugly thoughts and emotions have been thrown back in my face.

Through prayer I think I have found part of the reason. I'm working on the rest of it but for today this is what I've got...

Understanding addiction. I have never ever had compassion for addicts. I thought they were stupid, reckless and selfish.

'Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.' Yikes...I think I might be going through a lesson here.

I thank God that my addiction is not chemical or physical...so for those of you planning my intervention PUT THE PHONE DOWN!

What a massive struggle it is just to have an emotional addiction.

For those of you struggling with your own; whether it be chemical, physical, emotional or otherwise please keep fighting. It will be worth it!

And for those who have beat it Congratulations!! But remember the fight will never end. When you are the most comfortable it will rear it's ugly head-be ready.

I will be praying for all of you. Can you please do the same for me? I'm still fighting this episode and could use the help.

Thanks,

rikki